Infertility

I spent the better part of last night looking at all my blog posts from the last year and reminiscing about all that can happen in a year. There were trips, birthdays, evenings out, and tons of random ramblings that only I might find humorous. What you will not find mixed in with all those events are posts about the trials and tribulations associated with infertility. For those that know me personally, the news that we struggled with infertility is no surprise. But there are few who got to see the pain up close and personal, to receive the tear filled phone calls, and to hear the hopelessness in my voice.

I have longed for a child since I blew out the candles on my 30th birthday cake. Unfortunately, three years of law school still laid ahead with only a single paycheck to support the family. When we finally decided we were ready, I was confident that within six months we would be pregnant and my wait would be over. Months passed with a non-existent cycle and little hope of conceiving. My doctor intervened at four months and I began what would ultimately turn into several months of pill treatment to start my cycle, make me ovulate, and would eventually end with yet another negative pregnancy test. In early August, my doctor called to inform me that she had done everything she could do and referred me to a fertility specialist. It was a two month wait to meet with the fertility doctor and in the meantime I started my period and turned 32, both of which caused major devastation. I had set my birthday as a deadline--crunch time--and when that day came and went, the realization of infertility set in.

In late October, we finally got to see the specialist. We forked over $450.00 for the initial consultation and found out that in his professional opinion, there was "nothing wrong".....I begged to differ. After several blood test they decided to hit the ground running and set us up on a pretty aggressive pregnancy plan with an equally aggressive price tag. I was worn down from it all and I think my husband knew it. Jody put the brakes on any further procedures and requested that we wait until 2011 before we started any new treatments. I was hesitant, but also exhausted from a year of focusing so much of my energy on starting a family. Now looking back, I see God's hand in it all.......he had a bigger, better plan, and only a week after we decided against any new procedures we were pregnant.

Even though this year has been a challenge in patience and trust, it has also been a year of growth and surrender. It's hard to recall now how many conversations I had with God face-down crying into the carpet and he continued to tell me to wait. I watched as friends and family members became pregnant and delivered babies, and he continued to tell me to be patient. He brought amazing women into my life that were also struggling with infertility and He showed me I was not alone. My heart broke a million times in one year. Then, He said, "surrender to me," and I did. I gave it to God......all my pain, sadness, and hopelessness. I prayed that He would open the door to adoption or fostering if that was the way He wanted us to become parents. Whatever His will was I wanted it because my will was crushing my joy. At my lowest point, He saved me. He gave me peace and he opened my womb.......even though I wouldn't know it for six weeks.

I'm posting this on my blog for two reasons. First, I want everyone to know that this pregnancy was a gift. When women announce they are pregnant, it often sounds so easy. For some it is, but you rarely hear about the struggles other women have when becoming pregnant or when they lose a child to miscarriage. So many women feel alone in their struggle when they are actually surrounded by women going through the same thing. Second, I don't want to forget to seek the Lord's guidance not only in the rough seasons of my life, but more importantly in the joyous seasons.